Hindsight

I often look back on different parts of my life and think about the person I used to be, or the situations I used to be in that I'm not anymore. And when I say often, I mean like frequently throughout every day. A lot of the time I don't do it intentionally. It's usually a situation like today when my friends at work and I were talking about the way our parents disciplined us in our high school years. I began to idly reminisce on the girl my parents were disciplining. I was explaining to my friends that my mom was relatively laid back about most things, but that my dad stopped trusting me the day I entered teenhood for no apparent reason. No really, I was a golden child, ask anyone who knew me then. No reason.

The funniest thing to me is when I think back on even less than a year ago. I've realized recently that at the beginning of this past year, I was a vastly different person than I am now. You know, I feel like I say that a lot in this blog. How am I constantly a vastly different person? I'm not sure. I definitely have done a lot of growing, though. I'm becoming more and more independent and confident in myself and my abilities. I've learned how to be myself and not care what other people think. I'm not fully there yet, but I'm making my way in that direction pretty quickly.

But it's not just the essence of who I am that's consistently morphing. Circumstances are alive and ever changing as well. When I was in that play this past spring, I never thought a few months later I'd be dating the music director (oh yeah, did I mention I have a boyfriend now guys? So much for that boy diet. Oops). But seriously, I was looking at the pictures from the play and I saw that we were tagged in some of the same ones. And I started thinking back on that time, what was going through my head and if any of it even had to do with him. I remember seeing him in the hall and saying 'hi' once between classes. I remember him telling me I look 'fly' in my costume the first time he saw it. I remember thinking about how much I love when a guy can play the piano during music rehearsals. And honestly how everything happened between us is just a little blurry. Because one minute we were mere acquaintances and the next we were talking every day. It makes me laugh to think that then the thought didn't even cross my mind, and now we're so close. And that applies to a lot of situations in my life. I'll see a picture or hear a song and be reminded of someone I used to know or something that made me laugh or cry at one point. Or I'll suddenly realize that a year ago, I didn't even know some of the people I now consider my closest friends.

But in hindsight, I realize that everything happens for a reason. All the things in my life have lead me to this exact moment. And everything is as it should be, whether it makes sense or not. And somehow, this makes me really excited for what the future holds for me. In a few months, or a year or two or even ten, I can look back on this moment. Maybe I'll laugh. Maybe I'll be nostalgic. Maybe I'll hate my life then and wish I could go back to now. Maybe I'll wonder how I was even happy the way my life is now because it'll be that much better by then. Who knows?

And that, to me, is a beautiful thought. Who really knows? All I know is that if I keep trusting God, my hindsight will always be twenty-twenty.

xoxo