I've often thought about what would happen if I were to die.
Now before someone goes calling the suicide hotline or a psychiatrist, I don't mean this in a "I don't want to be alive" way. I just wonder how the world, or well, how my world would continue on without me in it. And this certainly isn't an uncommon thought, right? I'm sure plenty of other people have idly wondered the same thing as I have.
This first thing I think about is, obviously, my family. As my daddy's first child and having come out of my mother's womb, I imagine they would find it hard to continue on. I can't imagine the...you know, pain isn't a strong enough word for it, but the struggle to live in a world where your child once lived with you. Honestly, I can see my mother going mental. She would focus all her rage and anguish on finding someone still living to blame and make them suffer as much as she would be. And my father wouldn't even have the strength to try to stop or calm her, no matter how much he would want or need it. My brother...well he's pretty unpredictable. There's a number of ways I see him reacting. And my sister would be the worst of all to leave in that permanent way. Rachal has experienced more loss than I can imagine already, at sixteen years old. That would surely be a breaking point for her. She would begin questioning all her beliefs, everything she was ever told would be thrown in the wind and left to settle elsewhere.
Then I think about my best friend, Alex. She's so fragile sometimes. And we've been taking on this world together for so long. There have been people we both know that have left this world so untimely, and those have affected her so deeply. And those weren't people either of us consider ourselves to have had close relationships with, but they were people we knew and have memories with. And just today we were talking about the fact that we will always be best friends, and that our friendship is really as perfect as one could be. And for her to lose that? Indescribable. But I think she would eventually come to terms. Eventually being the key word there. And she might be the one to help Rachal through it later on, if Rachal didn't have an actual psychotic break. Then there's my extended family that I'm close to. My grandma, my cousins. Gosh, they would be...frozen.
Then thinking of Alex makes me start to think about other friends. I have a few close friends here at school and elsewhere (aka Michigan). What would they do? And Zeb. Sure we only just started dating, but he said himself the other day (though jokingly under those circumstances, I'll add) something along the lines of "we're far enough into this relationship that if you died, it would suck." I honestly don't know how he would react. I imagine the friends that know each other would help each other through it. That loss isn't easily carried, so sharing the burden might ease...I don't know, something. With my family and Alex, I don't see them coping very quickly. But with my friends, how quickly would they be able to move on with their lives? Which, of course, is what I would ultimately want if something were to happen. But, of course, that's easier said than done.
Then there's all the people that just know me. Coworkers I don't see outside of work, extended family that just exchange Christmas cards, classmates I've had random conversations with, guys I've previously dated, people I go to church with, people I used to go to church with, old babysitters, people I used to call my best friends, people I went to high school with. The list goes on and on. How many people have I really had an effect on? How many people would take my loss to their hearts, to their own graves? How many people would, years later, think of me and still cry? How many of the hundreds of people I've met in my life would actually cry?
What would they say in my eulogy? What would my family and friends tell people about me in hindsight? How would they remember? What would they remember?
But the weird thing is that, sure, I've met a ton of people, but I haven't even begun to meet a fraction of a fraction of a fraction of a fraction of the amount of people in this world. And the rest of them would just keep going. They would continue dealing with their own lives and problems and losses and never know about me or the grieving those that love me would be feeling.
Now. I know its hard to believe, but I don't mean any of this in a somber way. I honestly just wonder. But all of this makes me think, who am I really? I mean to other people. Because, sure, its one thing to say "don't ever worry about what other people think of you!" And that works in most situations. But I want people to think of me fondly. I want the thought of me to not be stressful or upsetting in any way to anyone. And that's one of my curses. I want to be liked by all people. But is that so horrible, really? I just like to think that I bring others some kind of joy. That people think of me as kind. Because I know there are people in my life that I think of as rude or annoying or angry, which is natural. I just don't want to be that person to anyone.
I also don't want to do something stupid, like be on my phone and driving (though...I am guilty of this), and cause all those people that know me to go through something as horrible as losing me. And I don't mean that in a conceited way, I just mean that I would be overwhelmingly distraught if I lost any of the people I mentioned in this post, so I'd like to think that would be reciprocated. And that thought just makes me want to make sure I'm taking care of myself and being cautious. But it also makes me want to be sure that I'm always telling the people I love that I love them, because who knows when you'll have your last chance? Someone else could be on their phone and driving and something still happen to me. Completely out of my control, and yet it would effect so many.
So I guess what I'm trying to say is that I always want to be living my life in a way that is beautiful and loving and sharing as much light as possible. Our time here is limited. And though the thought of Heaven is comforting, its also unfamiliar. So I want to make the most of my time here while I can. I hope you do the same.
I like the idea that just sharing a smile with someone can really brighten their day. Just sharing a smile with a stranger is touching yet another person's life in a positive way. So why not?
xoxo
