Sooo...remember the boy diet?
Honestly, I made such a huge deal of it two months ago, and I completely forgot about it up until tonight. Due to a recent series of strange events, I've come to see that I've been doing the diet all wrong for a few weeks now. Anyway, I've also realized that really I've been thinking about it all wrong since I started it.
Maybe the boy diet has been working in some strange reverse psychology kind of way and making me think about boys even more than I normally would. But honestly, something in me has changed in the past two weeks. I've realized that my self-confidence problems stretch far beyond the realm of hormones and a weakness for cologne.
My problem is that I allow anyone and everyone to tell me who I am.
People that I admire or think good thoughts of, even in the slightest, have some kind of pull in the person I think I am. One person who claims to be a friend calls me annoying, and that's it. I must be annoying.
But that's wrong. And sad really. Not in the pathetic way (which is usually the way I refer to myself), but in the sense that I'm probably much more sad than I even realize. What kind of life is it where I let others dictate the way I feel about myself? If other people talk about me behind my back and think badly of me, then I allow myself to think badly of me. That's so middle school.
But once I realized that, something clicked. It's time for me to take a real step forward instead of taking tiny steps forward and huge ones back. I've had all these revelations, but I haven't acted on them. So I'm done letting what other people think of me affect me. I'm going to be the person that I am, and if there's someone out there who doesn't like it, then I'll make it a point not to know them. I don't need that kind of negative energy in my life. I know who my real friends are, the people who love me unconditionally and stand up for me when I need it. But hopefully, soon enough I won't need it. Soon enough I'll be able to stand on my own two feet without having to prop against anyone else for support. Soon enough I'll be enough.
So, after all that...
Boy Diet Status: whatever.
xoxo
Friday, January 18, 2013
Thursday, January 10, 2013
Miracles happen once in a while
Miss me yet?
I was just standing in my bathroom getting ready for bed and thinking about my blogs and wondering why I haven't blogged in such a long time. Honestly, I love it. I love tracking my progress through my life and having other people hear me out and relate to my problems. And I've said before how great of an outlet it is for me sometimes. But I was thinking about when I had lunch with a girl who read my posts before she moved to North Carolina and she made the comment that "my friend [in New Jersey] is gonna freak when I tell her I had lunch with the girl from the blog!" (shout out to Kelly, if you're reading this). I will probably never forget that moment. In that moment, I felt so...important. I felt like I had a purpose, and it was one of the few times last year when I was writing my Freshmeat blog that I felt that I had any reason to continue. There were actually people out there who were paying attention. There were people out there who cared. Then this year, my blog became a bit more popular (in case you didn't know this, I can track the number of views each post receives. Pretty cool) with my view counts starting to grow. Not saying I'm some mega BlogSpot celeb or anything, I'm not that popular. But my audience has grown. And that makes me feel good.
But my writing has dwindled down to a. Maybe because I made real friends, something I didn't really make last year. Maybe its because I'm really busy with my job and school and obsessively watching Netflix. Or maybe its because I haven't had anything to write about.
Until now.
Ooh. Talk about a heart dropper.
So today after my shift at work I was scheduled for a massage. I talked with my therapist- lets call her Tiffany for anonymity sake- before we began so she could get an idea of what I needed work on. We discussed my scoliosis (I have a slight curve at the bottom of my spine), the knots in my shoulders and the neck tension that causes occasional headaches. Before she began the massage, she said to me, "Olivia, I'm a Christian woman, so I would like to ask for your permission to pray for your healing." Being a Christian as well, I said I was perfectly fine with that. She explained that her hands would feel very warm because that was God working through her. She ran her hands slowly up and down my back for a minute, then my shoulders. About five minutes into the massage, she ran both her hands down the sides of my spine, feeling where the curve is. Then she moved to the right side of me and place both her warm hands on my back right above my hip, explaining that she was going to leave them there for a while. After a few seconds, she noted that my muscles were relaxing considerably, and I noticed that her now static hands were growing warmer and warmer. After a minute or two, she moved back to my head and ran her hands down my spine again, then again.
"Olivia," she said, "your curve is gone." ...what.
At first I thought, no. There's no way Tiffany, this plain ol' massage therapist from some random place born at some random time in history just happened to correct my scoliosis I've had for years. But the more she ran her hands down my back in a perfectly straight line, the harder it was to deny. She brought in someone else to watch her. She was so excited, proclaiming that the power of God healed me, that the Lord didn't want me to live in pain and suffer through school as a hard working student with a job. I feel bad for the way that I just lied there, nodding and offering up an occasional "yeah," but I just couldn't believe it. And I could check myself without her noticing, potentially offending her. So the second she left the room after the massage, I jumped up, bent over, and ran my own hand down my spine, something I've done to feel that curve a thousand times before.
That curve...that I no longer felt.
Impossible. Impossible, right? But suddenly I felt so high. So high on the awesome power of God, on the miracle that just occurred. When I was diagnosed with scoliosis, the doctor told me that there was no fixing it. The curvature wasn't bad enough to wear a brace, it was just something I would have to be aware of. And here comes Tiffany who, within ten minutes, used her blessed hands to heal me. I called my sister when I left and cried to her out of amazement and being so overwhelmed.
But by the time my mom called me back when she got off work, after that high subsided, I've come back to doubting. I keep running my hand over my spine, but I can never get my own hand at a good angle to really feel it. I even had Lizzie try it and she said she felt a very miniscule curve at the bottom, but in the other direction than before. So now I'm just confused. I asked my mom to call my doctor and see if he can order an X-ray, and I'm probably going home next week to get that done and be sure.
But even still, I just can't stop thinking about how Tiffany's hands were never as warm as they were when they were resting on my suffering muscles.
xoxo
I was just standing in my bathroom getting ready for bed and thinking about my blogs and wondering why I haven't blogged in such a long time. Honestly, I love it. I love tracking my progress through my life and having other people hear me out and relate to my problems. And I've said before how great of an outlet it is for me sometimes. But I was thinking about when I had lunch with a girl who read my posts before she moved to North Carolina and she made the comment that "my friend [in New Jersey] is gonna freak when I tell her I had lunch with the girl from the blog!" (shout out to Kelly, if you're reading this). I will probably never forget that moment. In that moment, I felt so...important. I felt like I had a purpose, and it was one of the few times last year when I was writing my Freshmeat blog that I felt that I had any reason to continue. There were actually people out there who were paying attention. There were people out there who cared. Then this year, my blog became a bit more popular (in case you didn't know this, I can track the number of views each post receives. Pretty cool) with my view counts starting to grow. Not saying I'm some mega BlogSpot celeb or anything, I'm not that popular. But my audience has grown. And that makes me feel good.
But my writing has dwindled down to a. Maybe because I made real friends, something I didn't really make last year. Maybe its because I'm really busy with my job and school and obsessively watching Netflix. Or maybe its because I haven't had anything to write about.
Until now.
Ooh. Talk about a heart dropper.
So today after my shift at work I was scheduled for a massage. I talked with my therapist- lets call her Tiffany for anonymity sake- before we began so she could get an idea of what I needed work on. We discussed my scoliosis (I have a slight curve at the bottom of my spine), the knots in my shoulders and the neck tension that causes occasional headaches. Before she began the massage, she said to me, "Olivia, I'm a Christian woman, so I would like to ask for your permission to pray for your healing." Being a Christian as well, I said I was perfectly fine with that. She explained that her hands would feel very warm because that was God working through her. She ran her hands slowly up and down my back for a minute, then my shoulders. About five minutes into the massage, she ran both her hands down the sides of my spine, feeling where the curve is. Then she moved to the right side of me and place both her warm hands on my back right above my hip, explaining that she was going to leave them there for a while. After a few seconds, she noted that my muscles were relaxing considerably, and I noticed that her now static hands were growing warmer and warmer. After a minute or two, she moved back to my head and ran her hands down my spine again, then again.
"Olivia," she said, "your curve is gone." ...what.
At first I thought, no. There's no way Tiffany, this plain ol' massage therapist from some random place born at some random time in history just happened to correct my scoliosis I've had for years. But the more she ran her hands down my back in a perfectly straight line, the harder it was to deny. She brought in someone else to watch her. She was so excited, proclaiming that the power of God healed me, that the Lord didn't want me to live in pain and suffer through school as a hard working student with a job. I feel bad for the way that I just lied there, nodding and offering up an occasional "yeah," but I just couldn't believe it. And I could check myself without her noticing, potentially offending her. So the second she left the room after the massage, I jumped up, bent over, and ran my own hand down my spine, something I've done to feel that curve a thousand times before.
That curve...that I no longer felt.
Impossible. Impossible, right? But suddenly I felt so high. So high on the awesome power of God, on the miracle that just occurred. When I was diagnosed with scoliosis, the doctor told me that there was no fixing it. The curvature wasn't bad enough to wear a brace, it was just something I would have to be aware of. And here comes Tiffany who, within ten minutes, used her blessed hands to heal me. I called my sister when I left and cried to her out of amazement and being so overwhelmed.
But by the time my mom called me back when she got off work, after that high subsided, I've come back to doubting. I keep running my hand over my spine, but I can never get my own hand at a good angle to really feel it. I even had Lizzie try it and she said she felt a very miniscule curve at the bottom, but in the other direction than before. So now I'm just confused. I asked my mom to call my doctor and see if he can order an X-ray, and I'm probably going home next week to get that done and be sure.
But even still, I just can't stop thinking about how Tiffany's hands were never as warm as they were when they were resting on my suffering muscles.
xoxo
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